Newly Separated Men
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Recovering from separation and tackling loneliness?
With over 50 percent of marriages ending in separation, recent data is suggesting men who are post separation are becoming increasingly socially isolated and are experiencing loneliness and disconnection. If this is not addressed, it can lead to anxiety and depression. Statistically the majority of separations occur typically with the female leaving the male who at the time had no idea the relationship was really was in trouble. This leaves the male in shock, experiencing deep emotional pain and in many cases he becomes quickly socially isolated. Typically the female has driven the social opportunities as a couple and continues to have a support network of friends while men struggle with not just the loss of the relationship but friendships too.
In an attempt to eradicate loneliness, many will explore the field of on-line dating in the hope of meeting someone. Social opportunities in society are extremely limited once someone moves out of the typically social 20’s age group of attending pubs, clubs, parties and events. While enticing and seemingly a quick fix, engaging with anonymous people on social media is potentially dangerous both physically and emotionally. Recent data is now suggesting up to 95% of on-line profiles are not authentic and a large number of these profiles from overseas scammers. Australians are now losing around $1 billion annually to very sophisticated on-line dating scams, that’s around $8 million per month with many of these scammers deliberately target those who are presenting as newly created on-line profiles, newly single and emotionally vulnerable. Many people have not dated or socialised as a single person for decades, particularly if they married their childhood sweetheart and hence can initially present emotionally immature. Most will revert to behaviour learnt from past experience based on when they were last single, possibly as young as teenagers.
Separation usually results in self-worth becoming drastically reduced leading to a lack of confidence to effectively socialise. The fear of presenting socially post separation is one that can be so large it will often cripple the individual to the point where they won’t try to extend themselves outward and instead become further isolated by socially withdrawing from all interaction.
I recommend those supporting separated people to strongly encourage them, particularly men to move out of their comfort zones and start to present socially to commence engaging and interacting with others. Left to their own devices without the guidance of the female partner, it is too easy for men to stay isolated as the fear of not being accepted, being rejected, found lacking in some way, or perceived as socially inept is greater than the pain of loneliness. It is our responsibility to help people to move through this fear by encouraging regular social participating.
Social 8 provides a nurturing environment allowing members to correctly selected the right social occasions to commence engaging within the movement from social withdrawal, isolation, low self-worth and confidence to one of connection, positivity, healing and growth in confidence. Over the past 10 years I have seen this change happen as quickly as within 1 month for hundreds of members and within six months for thousands.
The healthiest way to navigate the social arena as a newly single person is to join a membership driven singles club like my Adelaide based club Social 8 where members are given regular opportunities to attend dinners and events in a safe, nurturing environment. Real social networking face to face is required for people to start to grow in social confidence. These opportunities are hand created to support the emotional healing and growth of our members with age appropriate dinners and events combined with selection of people we believe are likely to enjoy meeting each other. The hand selection process is important, as is the empathy of our event hosts and support staff, as the first social opportunity must be one of success to ensure the person feels encouraged to continue to socialise and not withdraw from a bad experience. We understand and embrace this responsibility.
Our staff are selected for their emotional intelligence and I have been a dating and relationships coach to over 3,000 members for the past 10 years. My role is to provide a safe and nurturing environment with regular opportunities for members to experience positive social interaction. What I’ve realised is that recently separated men:
• need emotional support and guidance
• require strong encouragement to move out of social isolation
• are fragile to negative social experiences hence the first experience must be successful to ensure continuation of social connection
• are vulnerable to dating too soon
• need good gentle social opportunities to help get their self-esteem back
• are likely to retreat into their man-cave resulting in further isolation
• need social opportunities with single people not dating opportunities
If this is you or you are supporting someone in this situation, then please consider joining or recommending us. We look forward to hearing from you.