How long is your list of requirements in a potential partner? I recently was presented with a list from a potential client that was 3 typed pages long of what she desired in a potential partner. She had put some serious work into visualizing every possible scenario of her future and how her ideal partner would play a role. She listed dozens of physical attributes he must have, dozens on intellectual examples of ideal compatibility, and dozens more of personality traits, emotional examples, spiritual alignment and financial management. She presented this list very carefully and seriously to me and asked if I had someone like this for her to meet?
I asked her if any of these listed items were negotiable. And in what percentage? Did she want someone who was funny all the time, or was only some of the time acceptable? I also asked her if she could give me a list of what this ideal man would be getting by having her as a partner.
Most items in her mind were not negotiable. Mathematically, she has probably filtered out nearly all men that she has and will meet technically making her undateable.
As she had asked for someone to be 6’ or taller, I used this as an example. Approximately 75% of single women will ask for someone who is 6’ or taller (apologies to all those fabulous single men who are below 6’). Approximately 15% of the male population in Australia are 6’ or taller. If the 75% of women desiring this DO NOT negotiation, then 60% of these women will be single forever. I also asked her how height would make her happy? It won’t! Height does not make someone happy. It is a bonus if you desire a height difference.
For those who desire to add to the 6’ list with something like, ‘must be university educated, then the percentages drop well below 15%. If next on your list is someone who has never been married before, once more it drops. With each defining not negotiable on your list, you are making the percentages lower and lower. So now with a 3 page lists, you may have perhaps .001% of the single male population to find. And when you do find him, he just may well not be into you.
Most men can sense if a woman desires him because of what he brings to the table and not for who he is. The woman who will only date Doctors and Engineers (yes, I’ve met her too) is not going to attract a Doctor or Engineer as he will be drawn to the woman who is interested in who he is and not what he does for a living. And there are no guarantees that he will continue long term being a doctor or engineer. Again, as with height, what someone does for a living does not make you happy. If you desire someone highly educated and professional, that is the bonus if you get that in a partner.
Recently there has been a new book come out from the States highlighting reasons women give for not accepting the offer of a date. Each person interviewed desired to be dating and hoping to meet the one. I was so keen to read this research believing I would gain some great insight to help our clients. How disappointed I was in the book. I can only hope the interviewed demographics were all taken late at night from the latest trendy must be seen at bar....
One of the opening pages had a story of a girl who was introduced to a friend of a friend, cute, good body, politically and morally aligned, divorced with kids like her. He had facial hair and she just couldn’t get past it. Her friends told her to tell him to shave it off but she couldn’t get past the part of his brain that allowed him to grow it in the first place.
This book went on to give other physical reasons girls wouldn’t date guys such as:
wore corporate labelled clothing
wore black jeans or acid washed jeans
had his mobile phone on his waist
had long fingernails
had a man purse
wore transition sunglasses
his clothes were too neat
overly gelled hair
had a blue tooth earpiece
and continued on for almost all the book. It seems these women were making fast assumptions based on the physical.
Next came the reasons given for not dating someone because they were perceived to be:
Too into sport
Too into watching TV and nights in
This was by far the shortest chapter and yet I expected it to be the largest.
Followed by things men said that turned the women away:
Fake swearing (heck, jeez, fudge)
He asked to kiss me, why can’t he just do it
He said 'it’s all good'
He said 'let’s get on the same page'
Using bad pick up lines
The only saving grace to this book was the final line: there is nothing sexier than confidence. So if you are a man who wears black jeans or has facial hair etc., do so because you feel good doing it, and it doesn’t matter what others think!
Overall this book 'updateable' was really unreadable. However it does open up the discussion of what reasons you would give for not dating someone. If you too feel someone is updateable because they wore black jeans, then I encourage you to consider how someone who spends their time being fashion aware and not wearing black jeans would make you happy? Or if someone who has facial hair is a no-go, how would they judge you? Do you meet all the perfect criteria for them? And again, does the absence of facial hair bring you happiness?
Which brings me to things men may say. If someone uses a bad pick up line, could it be because he is not a serial dater and has not become slick and perfect at meeting women? Could it be he wanted to meet you so bad that he bravely used whatever excuse he could think of to at least meet you hoping the conversation would quickly get past the awkward early stage of first meeting?
Fast inaccurate judgement is the number one reason I see for people not finding someone special in their life. Take the time to give others the chance you hope they will give you. Treat others as you would like to be treated and the world opens up to many more possibilities.
Yours in love